Crazy assed fucking dreams lately. I can't even make sense of them, but I really truly hate dreaming. It's always just some strange mutation of real life, it's not like I'm dreaming that I can fly or anything, and if I'm not dreaming that I can fly (or some comparable cool shit) then I'd rather not have my sleep disturbed, thanks. I just want to drop into a deep sleep at night and wake up sometime around noon feeling well rested. So anyway, today I woke up just feeling shitty because it felt like I hadn't slept all night. I kept having nutty dreams and then waking up and at some points I couldn't even tell if I was actually sleeping or if I was just laying there thinking about shit. My dreams involved my old apartment, the one I lived in before this one, the one I didn't like. There were many reasons to not like it, but for some reason I spent all morning feeling sentimental about it. I talked to Jenn about that and she said she's been feeling sentimental about her old apartment too. I guess even if it was shitty, it was cozy. And I think there is some comfort in looking back at a time when all I did was smoke cigarettes and stay up late. I'm sure it's not the apartment that I'm sentimental about but rather the time in my life. Just trying to be new and live the new life.

For some reason while I was feeling all sentimental and melancholy I decided to put on the Eeels Beautiful Freak, which only serves to make me feel more melancholy. It might not have been a great choice. I spent the morning just feeling really low and empty. Actually I felt that way all day until work, and then I went and had a sucky day at the job, which was just what I needed because it was chaotic enough to pull me out of my funk. I just hope I don't feel that way tomorrw.

This morning I also found out that my little cousin (she's like 21 or something, not that little) is knocked up. This is going to be a huge change for the family. It's going to be the first baby born to any of us grandkids and I'm quite sure since my family is basically a family of women they are all going to go fucking nuts for this kid. It is sad that it's being born to the one who is probably the least ready or qualified to be a parent. Scary stuff.

I never write about happy stuff, do I? It's always just sad shit about my life and how I hate myself. Such as this!: I think right now I'm less creative than I've ever been in my entire life. Can't paint, can't draw, can't make music, can't write.... and don't really try to! I'm in a slump. A big one. I'm depressed, apathetic, anxious, lost, un-prolific, broke, worried, boring, bored, afraid, non-communicative, a bad friend, and probably a bunch of other shit too. But I'm working on it. I don't want to be like this. I'm doing what I can. It's not all going to be sad shit forever. It can't be.