Jenn and I have been talking lately about how our apartment is not very homey, not warm and inviting. I think a lot of that is because when we first moved in we were all about making it classy(ish), all crisp lines with our IKEA crap and everything, and by doing that we kind of gave it no personality. Jenn pointed out that it's interesting that the one time people seem to have a room that really reflects their personality it's when they have a room in their parents home, and I think that's true. Once people move out, and especially once they start acting like grownups, the whole design of a house becomes something for other people, people who don't even live there, but something that other people can go, "Hey, nice place," when they stop by. So now we're working on redesigning a bit in this place. And we've got some goofy ideas that we're going to do and it's going to be fucking cool. Although usually whenever I have a goofy idea it turns into something depressing, mostly because I think really I just want to design my home to look like something far more insane than just a place to hang out and watch tv and stuff. But I think the stuff we're going to do in here will be pretty fun, and since Jenn and I will both be working on it hopefully I won't get too bogged down with my inability to accomplish things in the way I would like. Blah blah blah. That's what I say when my thoughts get garbled.

Okay, so last night I get off work and we head out to the east side for cheap home redecorating supplies. Ever shop where poor people shop? Isn't it unpleasant? Listen, poor people, no offense intended or anything, I'm fucking broke too (although I know better than to have six or eight children), but could you just put shit back on the fucking shelves when you're shopping? Is it necessary to pull everything down and take everything out of boxes and then just leave it? And could you keep an eye on all those kids for me? Did anyone ever teach you about civility and respect for other people? Clean up after yourselves, come on. Okay, so we went in this one place looking for some bargains and the scene was basically what I just described and my anxiety level went through the roof. Then we went to another store and my anxiety was all ramped up and I just kind of close down, you know? And it's not like I'm freaked out like I'm going to get hurt or something, it's more just a general feeling of unpleasantness and I can't talk because my brain won't do what I want it to. I gave the shopping list to Jenn and told her she's have to lead us through the store. I just couldn't think straight. I fucking hate that. I'm so tired of it. I wish I had health insurance so I could be perscribed some magical cure (or at least something to help me along) with this shit, but I don't. Damnit. Because I'm poor. But at least I put shit back on the shelves. Oh yeah, I was going to mention an integral part of this story. While we were at the second store we went to Jenn was looking at some shirts and they were two for some price and there were two shirts on the hanger and Jenn couldn't find the combination that she wanted and was going to switch them around. I'm sure this is perfectly acceptable, but for some reason I felt nervous about it. And I always feel nervous about shit like that, anything that would appear as though I'm not following the rules or whatever, anything that would draw any attention to me. Anything that would cause someone to talk to me or anything. It fucking sucks. I don't wanna be a rule following sissy!

Hey, one thing cool: I don't care about art much these days, at least not producing it, even though I will be at first thursday tonight trying to sell my stuff. However in whatever we're doing to fix our apartment I've decided I'm going to do a painting specifically for this place and I'm pretty excited about that. That's when I enjoy painting, when it's something fun for me. Art for arts sake isn't doing it for me these days. Art for money's sake might change that, though, so if I sell stuff tonight I could end up with a whole new attitude.

Okay, I think that's all that I have to bitch and ramble about today.