I've realized recently that I really love MSG. It seems like every time I'm dipping into like a bag of chips or something and I just can't stop eating more and more I notice that there is MSG in them. It's the MSG for sure. Kentucky Fried Chicken. Chinese food. Various snacks that come in bags. Apparently MSG is really bad for you or something, but Jesus it's good. And quite addictive.

Speaking of addictive, I still keep thinking about cigarettes. Sometimes I won't think about them at all, but sometimes I'll just obsess on them. Sometimes I think, "Fuck it, I'm just going to start smoking again, and then sometime in the future I'll just quit again." But I haven't. The only things stopping from it are knowing it's an expensive habit, and the shame that would be involved with telling people I started smoking again. So I haven't. Not even a drag. Not even a puff. Not even inhaling more deeply than necessary when in the proximity of smokers. Usually. The thing that gets me is that with me it has to be all or nothing. Like either I have to be smoking a pack a day or therabouts, or not at all. There can't seem to be an in between where I could actually decide for myself when to have a cigarette and exercise good judgement and not have them all the time. But I don't think I could. Isn't it strange that it requires far more willpower to only smoke sometimes than to just not smoke at all? I think it's because not smoking doesn't require that much brain power, really. There's no point where you are allowing yourself to make a decision because that one permanent decision to not smoke has already been made and it's not open to interpretation. Once you cross the line and say, "I'm just going to smoke when I feel like it," then you've suddenly forced a pile of decisions on your poor little obsessive-compulsive brain, such as, "Should I have a cigarette now? Is 'I'm bored' really a good excuse?" It's much easier to just give in and say, "What the hell, if I'm smoking I might as well just do it." I can't trust myself with those kind of decisions. I'm not strong enough. I looooooooove smoking way too much. And because I love it I can't do it. Isn't that a motherfucker? As of yesterday, though, I haven't had a cigarette in nine months. It seems much MUCH longer.