You know this is the third in a series of entries, right? Okay. Just making sure.

By the time I went out to my grandma's place on Friday afternoon I was feeling pretty okay. She made dinner and we talked. It was nice. I miss my grandma and she seemed so happy to see me. It was, unfortunately, one of those times where I just couldn't think of anything to say. That kind of depressed me. Here I've been gone for weeks, haven't seen my grandma in a while, and I just have nothing to talk about. After a few hours I took off, feeling bummed to be starting to say goodbye to people again already. Went to Dan's and called Jenn who had decided to come to town as well on Thursday and convinced her to come over to Missy and Jethro's with us to hang out with everybody for a while. Jenn didn't seem like she wanted to be there. For as much as she sounded like she missed me earlier in the week, it didn't seem like she wanted to be around me at all when we actually did see each other. Once she left I decided not to dwell on the possibility that she would decide she doesn't love me anymore and wants to move back to Ogden until the drive home, which I did. We stayed up late, just me John and Missy chatting it up. Missy looked like she was ready to nod off, she'd had a long couple of days, so we left. I hung out with John until about 3:30am and then went to bed.

Saturday I woke up feeling depressed, knowing it was going to be my last day. I squashed that down after a few minutes, deciding it would be better to enjoy my time there than to wallow in the fact that I'd be gone soon. I went to my dad's again and hung out with him and had some really good conversations about all kinds of shit, the fucked up ways our brains work, art and passion, things like that. And then over to my other grandma's for my early birthday party. Good to see everyone. Got some birthday money that almost covers my rent, plus my grandma loaded me up with some food from her cabinets. Nice. And a plate of leftover birthday cake. Plus my grandpa had a bunch of cans of gas laying around that he'd siphoned out of his truck for whatever reason, and I filled up my car for free. When I left there I started to feel pretty depressed. Saying goodbye to my mom and my grandparents again.

I ran to the bank to deposit my money and then met up with Missy and that whole crew to hang out for about an hour and say our goodbyes. I went to Dan's house and finally got some time to just hang out with him for a few hours. I miss that guy, and it felt like I hardly got to see him all week, even though I was staying in his house. It was a busy week though, so I guess it's understandable.

Yesterday morning I had a hard time leaving. I just didn't want to, but knew I had to. I almost started crying while I was playing with my dog, so I had to just cut that goodbye short. I cut all of them pretty short. Gave some hugs, got in the car and went. And like I said, the whole trip home I dwelled on lots of depressing shit. Thinking Jenn would rather be in Ogden with her friends than up here with me. Thinking that my life has no direction, and even if it did, would I care? Thinking about how I have no passion for anything, no excitement, no one strong reason to even be alive. Thinking that I might not even like writing this diary anymore. Things like that.

I walked in my apartment carrying a plate of leftover birthday cake last night, which was comforting. I checked my email, caught up on diaries, called Jenn and Dan to let them know I made it home okay. I watched a couple episodes of Mr. Show and smoked cigarettes. And then I fell asleep, right there on the floor. Just like always. At 6am I woke up, put my sheets on my bed, and went back to sleep. And now here it is. Monday. The worst day of the week. Jenn won't be home until tonight and I miss her like crazy already. This town can be lonely sometimes. And I know I gotta go get a job today. And I know that on Wednesday it will be my birthday and I'll finally be the age I've been saying I am for the last eight months. And I'm sure it will depress the hell out of me. But I'm here. Here it is. Portland, phase two.